» John Boehner calls Ted Cruz an asshole. This is Planet earth’s new Exhibit A for the adage “It takes one to know one.”
» Matt Gaetz’s alleged girlfriends are so young that Trump’s been boasting he’ll be dating them in ten years.
» Dr. Seuss, Mr. Potato Head, and Q haven’t gotten their $1,400 relief payments yet because the Democrats are plotting against them.
» Last weekend I discovered that the best Easter jelly beans are the ones that say “Merck” on them.
» Since Joe Biden became his boss, Dr. Anthony Fauci has de-aged twenty years.
» Every problem that humanity has ever encountered throughout history can be traced back to Bryce in Accounting.
» The faster Republicans ram a bill through the legislature and get it signed into law, the worse it is for their constituents.
» Larry Johnson is thiiiiis close to releasing that damning Michelle Obama “whitey tape” that he first told us he had possession of in—[checks notes]—2008.
» You will be automatically charged $49.95 a month to belong in The Billy & Squirrely Friends Club unless you unclick the box.
Good luck finding it.
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 8, 2021
Note: I’ll be spending most of my day in my survival bunker because today’s date is 4-7-2-1 which sounds much too much like a delusional madman counting down a nuclear launch. You can’t be too careful, folks. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til National Pet Day: 3
Date by which all U.S. adults should be eligible for the Covid vaccine, two weeks ahead of schedule: 4/19/21
Age of Congressman Alcee Hastings (D-FL) when he died this week of pancreatic cancer: 84
Job openings in February (the latest month available), the highest since data was first tracked by the Labor Department in 2000: 7.4 million
Number of voter fraud cases being investigated in Texas following the 2020 elections, where over 11 million people voted: 17
Percent chance that when chief NRA ghoul Wayne LaPierre feels threatened, he reaches for a yacht instead of a gun: 100%
Age of Pong and the Atari 2600 home video game system as of next year: 50, 45
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Spring fever is taking a weird form this year. Politicians say nice things for political reasons and then revert with a vengeance—a sort of political Tourette syndrome, they can’t help what they say.
Tom DeLay, of all people, recently issued a fatwa on the need for good manners, a concept so bizarre there is no appropriate comparison. Let’s reserve it as a future simile: “… as weird as the time Tom DeLay gave us all a lecture on manners.”
In his new role as the Emily Post of politics, DeLay informed us, “It is unfortunate in our electoral system, exacerbated by our adversarial media culture, that political discourse has to get so overheated, that it’s not just arguments, but motives are questioned.” … This would be the same Tom DeLay who said, “Screw the Senate,” when he learned Bob Dole had cut a deal with Clinton to end the government shutdown caused by Newt Gingrich.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Armadillo hunter training academy cadet…
CHEERS to pulling the trigger on getting fewer triggers pulled. [Puts on kevlar cynicism vest] I don’t even pretend anymore that Congress is going to get gun-control legislation through both chambers in my lifetime. So that means it’s up to the president to nibble at the edges with whatever executive authority he can muster. So today President Biden will nibblenounce his latest mustering-related program activities at the White House:
Biden will direct the administration to begin the process of requiring buyers of so-called ghost guns—homemade or makeshift firearms that lack serial numbers—to undergo background checks, according to three people who have spoken to the White House about the plans. He is expected to be joined at the event by Attorney General Merrick Garland.
Other executive actions remain unclear. But stakeholders have speculated that the president could announce regulations on concealed assault-style firearms; prohibitions on firearm purchases for those convicted of domestic violence against their partners; and federal guidance on home storage safety measures.
One other announcement Biden could make on Thursday is the introduction of his nominee to be the director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, who will play a key role in any executive branch action on guns.
But on the bright side, let’s never forget: lawn darts remain totally illegal. Now them things is dangerous.
CHEERS and JEERS to making cents (and also losing a few). Being a world-renowned fauxconomist, I know how easy it is for my giant brain-thumb to tip various fiduciary scales around the world. So I’ll simply stay neutral and offer this handy summary of the current climate in the business world with some traditional-media headlines we found while spinning around the internets. Caution—might be some minor whiplash ahead:
> With stimulus cash and jobs spike, U.S. emerges as main engine for global economic recovery
> U.S. economy growing at fastest pace since 1984
> Jamie Dimon says economic boom could “easily” run into 2023
> Jamie Dimon sounds the alarm on the future of American prosperity
> PPP program may run out of money before May 31 deadline
> Target to invest $2 billion in black-owned businesses by 2025
> Samsung’s first 5G smartphone under $300 could be game-changer
> Federal low-income housing grants double in size this year
> Corporations gave over $50 million to backers of voting restrictions
> Yellen calls for minimum global corporate income tax
> GM announces new electric Chevy Silverado that can go 400 miles
> Corporate America not anxious to hire former Trump cabinet officials, headhunters say
> Rare original Superman comic sells for record $3.25 million
And this just in: apparently there’s a ketchup packet shortage in these United States. Thank god we all have 500 of them that we’ve tossed in the cupboard “for later” over the last 20 years. Now we just need to figure out which ones are still good. Hint: if you open a ketchup packet and a tentacle comes out and grabs you by the throat…probably not good.
CHEERS to a fine FLOTUS. Happy Birthday to the late Betty Ford on what would be her 103rd birthday. She gained fame in an era that many Americans can vaguely remember—namely, a time when the GOP had a smattering of class. But even then, she was a persistent thorn in her party’s side:
Throughout her husband’s term in office, she maintained high approval ratings, though some on the far-right of her own Republican Party strongly opposed her on more liberal social issues.
Betty Ford was noted for raising breast cancer awareness with her 1974 mastectomy and was a passionate supporter for the Equal Rights Amendment.
Pro-choice on abortion and a leader in the Women’s Movement, she gained fame as one of the most candid first ladies in history, commenting on every hot button issue of the time from sex to drugs.
Her most enduring legacy, of course, is the Betty Ford Center. Sadly, the center doesn’t have a wing for candy corn addicts like me. But I’m happy to say my self-administered Charms Blow Pop replacement therapy seems to be holding. One day at a time.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to today’s edition of Will The Real Matt Gaetz Please Stand Up?
Good Matt Gaetz: I’m innocent and I don’t need a pardon, thank you.
Bad Matt Gaetz: I’m guilty and need a pardon, pleeeease!!!
This has been today’s edition of Will The Real Matt Gaetz Please Stand Up?
CHEERS to speaking above a whisper. The Masters golf tournament—one of the PGA’s four majors—starts today in Georgia. It’s an event that’s impossible to move to another state because, unlike the Major League All-Star Game that can go anywhere, the Masters and Augusta National are one and the same. But whereas players have largely gone silent in the past on political issues, this year some of the big dogs are letting Republicans know that Georgia’s voter suppression law is a big shank into the Eisenhower Tree ricocheting into a bunker:
“I have to be respectful and somewhat careful what I say because I’m not a citizen of this country, but I certainly think all great countries and democracies are built on equal voting rights and everyone being able to get to the ballot boxes as easily as possible,” four-time major winner Rory McIlroy told reporters on Tuesday. […] I’m all for people being able to have the right to vote and to be able to do it in the easiest way possible.”
Cameron Champ, one of golf’s brightest prospects and two-time winner on the Tour, says the new law is “shocking” and “frustrating.” “As you can tell, it really targets certain Black communities and makes it harder to vote, which to me it’s everyone’s right to vote,” he said.
At the same time, don’t expect much more than that. The PGA Tour is rife with some of the most ignorant Republicans on the planet—buff white dudes who care a lot more about where their balls go than what the government is doing. Or as family-values Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene calls it: my dream date when I’m cheating on my husband.
Ten years ago in C&J: April 8, 2011
JEERS to getting Fukushima’d again. Oh, great, just what folks in northern Japan needed—a 7.1 earthquake shook ‘em up again yesterday. Fortunately the tsunami warning was quickly canceled, but determining the damage will take awhile—three dead and scores injured, that much we know. Meanwhile, the radioactive water at the Whoopsie-daiichi nuclear plant may or may not (who can you believe these days?) have stopped leaking into the ocean, but experts say there’s nothing to fear:
Very close to the nuclear plant sea creatures might be in danger of problems like genetic mutations if the dumping goes on a long time, he said. But there shouldn’t be any serious hazard farther away.”
But just to be safe, Prime Minister Kan extended his nation’s security contract with Ultraman.
And just one more…
CHEERS to Kodak moments. If Ronald Reagan’s or Donald Trump’s presidential photographer had ever gotten a shot like this, it would be framed and hanging on every Republican’s living room wall as a totally-real example of their divine awesomeness. Instead, a different president’s photographer (the great Pete Souza) snapped it five years ago this week, and Republicans lost their collective shit. In the hopes that it might make them chew through a few more inches of sheet metal in their survival bunkers, here’s a replay for nostalgia’s sake:
And, by contrast, here’s his one-term successor:
Mother Nature. Definitely a Democrat.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“My warning, if you will, to corporate America, is to stay out of kiddie pools. It’s not what you were designed for. I’m not talking about Cheers and Jeers.”